Another Sci-Fi Battle: Stormtroopers v. Redshirts

Umm... fair use?

As my posts on the Borg Cube v. the Death Star were fairly popular (it's all relative - this is a noncommercial blog after all), I think treatment of another cross-franchise conflict is in order. This one was suggested by a friend of mine, and I've decided to consider the question carefully, despite it being a little absurd. Why absurd? Well let's consider - Stormtroopers and Redshirts are the cannon fodder of the Star Wars and Trek universes respectively. Both have a talent for ineptitude. Stormtroopers (despite Obi-Wan's comments regarding the accuracy of blast points on the broad side of a Sandcrawler) have no more ability to hit what they are shooting at than Death Star engineers have of building a space station without a glass jaw. Redshirts, on the other hand, are famed for dying more easily and in more contrived fashion than the hero of the original King's Quest games (dude could trip over a cat and fall to his death. Seriously). Stormtroopers do die by the truckloads, but usually because of something a Jedi-related, and in mass casualty Death Star explosions that have little to do with their own inability. Redshirts have no particular reputation at all regarding an ability to shoot, kill, maim, or otherwise influence any part of combat. This is generally because they die of fright when the blasters come out. Or when a Tribble coughs. You know. Whatever.

So, taking all of this in to consideration, the question is not really one of who would win in a fight. I don't think there's much of an argument to be made that Redshirts (singular or in huge numbers) could take down a like force of Stormtroopers (but by all means if someone has an argument for them, please make it). Rather, I think the better question is, which set's seeming supernatural ability would prevail in a fight? The Stormtroopers' ineptitude (which would result in a draw) or the Redshirts' deathwish (thus Stormtrooper victory)?

I'm tempted to answer the question with a resounding "who cares?" but that would defeat the purpose of sparking nerdy discussion. Needless to say, the battle would be one of the most painful to watch in the history of science fiction. It would almost certainly take hours, and involve Redshirts jumping out from behind cover while dropping phasers as Stormtroopers fire into the ground, or behind themselves. I'd estimate there is a roughly 5% chance of the Redshirts prevailing outright due to massive "friendly fire" casualties in the Imperial ranks. Ultimately though, I think the Redshirts resort of falling on jagged rocks or giving in to congenital heart defects even as the blasters continue to miss them by miles, and the Stormtroopers would prevail in spite of themselves.

Feel free to discuss in the comments, or suggest any other sci-fi faceoffs that need to be considered.