More Snappy Answers to Childhood Questions

From that paragon of journalism and literary skill, Mad Magazine, I learned to love Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions. Since I already planned to warp my children every chance I get it was not a far leap to start imagining some questions I will inevitably be asked by my kids and start creating utter falsehoods with which to reply.

You may be asking yourself, “What parent would be so callous and cruel to a future teacher as to indoctrinate otherwise intelligent children (making a reasonable assumption about my kids here) in complete misinformation?”

This guy.

Let’s be honest for a second. School books contain most of the lies we’ve ever swallowed outside of political campaigns, and they are cloaked in the authority of supposed FACT. If I don’t teach my kids to question everything, and to grow a good BS radar, they’ll be doomed before they enter first grade.

Plus, warping children is fun. We’ve covered this previously.

The great thing about these kinds of questions is that there are lots of great ways you can answer them. When you aren’t concerned about being correct, virtually any answer will do.

Take the question: “How do light bulbs work?” which was featured in a previous post.

You could go with my standby: “Magic.” You could go darker with “Sorcery” or “Witchcraft.” You could go more fantastic and detailed by discussing the light bulb gnomes who keep tiny fires going inside the glass and uncover the fires when you signal them to by flipping a switch. This answer has the added benefit of causing unnecessary bereavement for your child every time a light bulb burns out because “the gnomes must have died.” The downside is the environmental impact from burying hundreds of light bulbs, each in its own shoebox, in your backyard.

You could go surrealist and answer “Fish.” This is unlikely to satisfy any but the most sophisticated and/or slow of children, but if it entertains you, that is what is important. You could go for the heroic approach and tell them that every light bulb in the house is a piece of the sun you captured at night while the sun was asleep. This also would help explain why the sun is so hot in the summer - it is angry at Daddy, so everyone has to suffer.

You could also try complete and honest disclosure, but why bore your kid like that?

So you begin to see how a simple question presents numerous opportunities for fun, and how a relatively straightforward lie in response to such a question can create an entire mythology about the world at large.

Here a few more basic questions and sample answers. Try them yourself!

Meteorology
“Why is it raining?”

Traditional: “Angels are crying.”
More irreverent: “Angels are peeing.”
More scarring: “Angels are crying because of something you did.”

Health Science
“Where do babies come from?”

Traditional: “Storks bring them and leave them on our doorstep”
Modern: “Order them on Amazon. Free shipping too.”
Sci-Fi: “They are built from kits.”
Literal truth: “Vaginas, mostly.”

Anatomy
“Why do boys/girls have different parts than me?”

Traditional: Honestly, I think the truth or something close to it is probably traditional for this one.
Accusatory: (to girl) What did you do with it?!
Instructional: (Again, to girl) Boys have them on the outside so if they ever hit on you, they are easier to kick. (I realize this is betrayal of the guy code, but I’m having a little girl, so leave her alone and you’ll be fine).
Grounds for Divorce: (to boys) Men are the traditional hunters, so we need better hand eye coordination. Our bits are on the outside so we can turn peeing into a game. See if you can hit the toothbrush holder...

And a few more....

Zoology

“How do birds fly?”
Constant directed flatulence. They are like nature’s surface to air missiles.

“Can fish breathe underwater?”
No silly. Nothing can breathe underwater. Fish are undead, like vampires. Eat your fish sticks.

“Why does the dog like to eat cat poo?”
You would have to ask him Sweetie. It’s far beyond me.