In the context of wedding registries, the following questions, statements, and lamentations might be made:
“Do we really need formal china?”
“Who in our family is going to pay for a $300 pillow, let alone a set of two?”
“Hell yes, register for the bar kit!”
“Do you need to make ray gun noises every time you scan an item?”
“No, beer and video games are not appropriate registry items.”
“This is kind of fun.”
By way of contrast, the following might be said while registering for a new baby:
“What degree of impact has this product been tested for?”
“How many times has this product been recalled?”
“Why are you implying my child will die if I don’t by this?”
“What is this? What does it do? Who would need that? Why? Can you start over please?”
“There are different kinds?”
“This is mildly terrifying.”
The difference obviously is that the wedding registry is all about the wants (framed as needs, no doubt, but wants all the same) of two individuals who presumably resemble adults and are able to fend for themselves. The baby registry, while full of wants and whims, is primarily about the needs of a helpless, squealing newborn, and is being overseen in most cases by those same two presumed-adults, a year or several down the line, who are slowly realizing they don’t have a clue what adulthood and responsibility are all about. There is immense pressure to choose correctly, to cover every base, and to do everything in your power to protect your new child from Entropy - that is, the scientific principle that the universe is out to kill us all.
We put this pressure on ourselves, completely ignoring or forgetting that thousands of years of human history have passed with human infants wearing strips of cloth or nothing at all, sleeping on hay, and playing with sticks and rocks in order to get all of us here. We defy history, choosing instead to give our own children better than one in ten odds of survival by buying the latest and greatest gear rolled out by Graco, or Britax for the big spenders. The pressure is not eased at all by the overt upselling of the big-box baby stores, where the employees will pass you from department to department on your introductory tour, give you intense demonstrations of the high end products and not quite tell you that your child will be killed or maimed if you buy a lesser product. The big-box stores not geared specifically for babies are no better, since they just hand you the registry gun and assume you know what is best for your baby. Right.
All of that is a meandering preamble to the real reason for this post: listing and mocking some baby oriented products. These products were chosen more or less at random for usefulness, ridiculousness, mock-worthiness, or sheer oddity. And because I was able to find them with a simple Google search.
1. Waste Disposal bags - the official description needs no help: “One for really hard-core greenies in keeping with current trends to cut down waste and keep in tune with natural rhythms. The idea is to monitor Baby’s bowel movements, and, instead of clothing them in diapers, let them do their thing whenever and wherever they please. The trick is to always have your 100% bio-degradable ‘baby poop scoop’ bag at hand to ensure their waste doesn’t become the planet’s.”
Yeah. It’s just like what you use when you take your dog for a walk. For your kid.
2. Pee-Pee Tee-pee - Doesn’t take much imagination to figure these out, but here’s a hint: my wife and I won’t need these disposable items for our daughter.
3. The Zaky Pillow - Pillow designed to look and feel like disembodied hands holding your baby in place. Have to admit, I found this on a fellow father/blogger’s site, and I have to agree with his assessment. Creepiest kid product ever. See picture if you don't believe me.
4. Milkscreen Test Strips - Brilliant little invention changes color if your breast milk is above a specified concentration of alcohol. Because let’s be honest, after nine months, no one gets to see the damn kid without bringing mommy a bottle of wine.
5. mamaRoo - Hi-tech “swing” features numerous movement setting designed to sooth your baby, including (inevitably) the setting for which it is named - the gentle hopping of a kangaroo. This device probably works wonders, seeing as it take advantage of the soothing genetic memory every human child shares of riding around in a marsupial’s pouch.
6. Any item, clothing or otherwise, ever featured on Toddler’s in Tiaras - Your three-year old doesn’t need high heels, diamond earrings, or anything made by Louis Vuitton. Especially if you are buying her formula with WIC vouchers.
What’s the most ridiculous baby-oriented product you’ve run across? More importantly, for us future parents, what’s the most useful?
