Celebrity Deathmatch! Death Star versus Borg Cube

This post goes a little beyond geeky, into pure nerd territory, but there’s a good reason why I consider the questions relevant. To give you a little context: This question represented a long running point of contention between my wife and one of her best college friends, who for the sake of anonymity we’ll call Karen. In point of fact, it was a debate amongst all the members of my wife’s social circle in college, but my wife took the unenviable and (for years) solitary position that the Borg cube would win such a confrontation (all things being equal, and no Jedi involved), despite the naysayers and pooh-poohers to the contrary.

Enter me, on our first pseudo-date: her college graduation party. I was invited by another friend of hers a few nights prior, and really only knew about two people there, but this hot babe who would one day be my wife was going to be there, so I was going dammit. I arrived, and had not even managed to say hello to the pretty lass before a girl I had never met before (Karen) abruptly demanded:”Which one would win - Death Star or Borg Cube?”

Now, the vast majority of those who even understand the question would probably answer “the Death Star.” Their primary argument would be “It’s the Death Star.” Valid point, but it fails to take all the variables into account. My response, off the cuff, was “Borg Cube, and here’s why....”

This, as my wife tells it, was the moment she knew she was really in trouble. The fact that I played along at all was all kinds of brownie points, but getting the right answer (read: her answer) got me super sexy bonus brownie points. Thus begun a love affair for the ages. Judge me all you want - you just wish your story started that cool.

Nonetheless, my feats of logic in determining that the Star Trek baddies would beat out the Emperor’s brazenly flawed LEGO project did not persuade the rest of her circle of friends. I think the fact that I was willing to play ball impressed some of them, much as it did with my wife, but they were not swayed in their convictions. Undoubtedly, many of you will disagree with me as well.

The primary reason I went with the Borg over the Death Star is that George Lucas is a moron, and Gene Roddenberry is (was) not. Roddenberry’s science fiction was, by and large, based on good science (very early episodes and techno-babble dialogue notwithstanding). Gene’s best friend, after all, was the brilliant Isaac Asimov, of both science-fiction and science-science fame.

George Lucas, on the other hand, wrote the line “It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.” If you don’t get why that’s dumb, it’s okay. Google it and come back. We’ll wait.

Later on, Lucas gave us midichlorians...

I will never. Let. That. Go.

In any event, what this comes down to is the technical thought process behind the different technologies. What technical specs there are out there for the two fictional ships probably had little or nothing to do with the creators of the two franchises - I’ll concede that. Still, I remember once a long time ago seeing a pretty dated set of specifications for the “turbolasers” that Lucas’ Star Destroyers had on board. The range was kind of pathetic. Whether the specs came from Lucas’ people or not, whoever wrote them essentially designed a weapon that couldn’t reach much beyond the nose of the ship they were on. What specs there are for Borg weaponry bear no such obvious defects. I know I’m getting into some incredibly nerdy minutiae here, but I’m not the one who asked the question. I just answered it. Correctly.

Anyhoo, these “turbolasers” are the same weapons that played support roles on the Death Star (the guns that really only worked to shoot at small Rebel fighters flying a few dozen meters off the surface). Oh, and the Death Star also has a complement of relatively frail fighters and bombers. The Death Star’s main weapon, which is apparently the only thing it has that can reach a distant target, is limited to a 180 degree targeting range, since it obviously can’t fire behind itself. This targeting range is a best case scenario- it’s not even clear from the movies that it has that much targeting flexibility. Could it hit something directly in its peripheral range? We’ll never know. A few small fighters managed to blow it up. Twice.

In any event, any ship on the back side of the space station with a decent ranged weapon could spend all day blasting away from a distance, and adjust position as the main weapon turns to meet the aggressor (or tries to, anyway). Let’s face it, the station took an eternity to get clear of Yavin Four - it doesn’t turn on a dime.

Even when a target is in range of the Death Star’s main weapon, it appears that the target has to be completely stationary to be truly threatened. What did it actually manage to blow up? Alderaan and a completely unprepared Mon Calamari Cruiser (yes, that’s right - the fish-faced alien race of Admiral Ackbar’s people is called the Mon Calamari. Let’s give it up again for Lucas’ originality).

Most people counter all of this by saying “all the Death Star needs is one shot.” Maybe. The Borg Cubes can operate with about 75% of the ship completely destroyed, or something ridiculous like that. For the sake of argument I’ll concede that an ambushed Borg Cube would probably lose to the Death Star. But that’s not assuming all other things being equal - that’s assuming a massive advantage to the Death Star in the form of the element of surprise. Another massive advantage I’m assuming the Death Star does not have is the presence of any Jedi - Sith or otherwise. Force users on the bridge mean all bets are off.

Obviously the Death Star is huge, so destroying it through bombardment would be a task, but if the main weapon can’t hit an enemy that can hit the Death Star, and the TIE fighters are no threat to that enemy (and really? to the Borg? Please) then it’s really just a matter of time. Probably not that much time either. Seriously, if the engineers overlooked such a material flaw as an uncovered exhaust port the size of a womp rat, do you really think that was the only structural defect in the whole machine?

That’s my take on it - Borg wins by default. The Death Star was a great strategic weapon - a world destroyer and a symbol of power. But it was a terribly tactical weapon - unwieldy and incapable of quick, decisive action. And that is how I landed my wife.

Having an informed opinion about all things geektastic never hurts.