Since this could go awry very quickly, let me state from the outset - my wife served as primary resource for this post, and I have made every attempt to present this from the woman’s perspective. With perhaps a dash of my own brilliant insight and stunning wit.
I tried to get her to write this post, but she couldn’t find time to put on shoes and get out of the kitchen. Ba-Dum-Ching.
Oh, I will pay for that.
In all seriousness, I did invite the wife to write a guest post, but she politely declined, and left it to my debatable talents to “spin” her insights in an appropriately humorous and/or poignant fashion. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a small collection of things that occurred to the two of us in the space of time it took to write a blog post. Our method seems sound to me. Anyway, here we go.
1. Your baby is not the only one who will need diapers. Between the constant compression on your bladder, the medical recommendation that you consume more water than is physically possible, and the sudden internal kicks and jabs your organs are subject to, you will, from time to time, have exactly .46 seconds warning before urination begins. It’s a fact of pregnancy, and any woman who tells you she had a baby without ever peeing herself is a filthy liar.
2. You may poop in front of complete strangers during the delivery. In fairness, we did hear about this prior to getting pregnant, thanks largely to maliciousness of Dr. Cox on “Scrubs.” At the time we thought it was funny. Mere weeks from our due date, it has lost some of its charm.
3. That line about “perfect hair and skin” during pregnancy is BS. Pregnancy does increase the bodies production of protein, which in turn makes hair and nails grow better, faster and stronger. Freakishly so, in some cases. And, in many cases, pregnancy does give your skin a healthy clarity and ethereal glow... not to oversell it. BUT, if you happen to be pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, as approximately half of all pregnant women will be, the hormones of your new baby may come into conflict with the hormones in your own body, causing your entire physiology to bug out. This can have all kinds of dermatological consequences that are not included in the marketing materials. (Personal note - my wife is the most stunning pregnant woman ever, and is far too hard on herself).
4. It’s not just booze and cigarettes you’ve got to put down. Most people are familiar with the big three admonitions about pregnancy - no drinking, no smoking, and limit your caffeine. The “no drugs” admonition is often taken for granted, but perhaps it should not be. In any event, if that were the end of the story, pregnancy would be by no means easy, but at least a touch easier on the pregnant woman. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of other things you are supposed to avoid while incubating your bundle of joy. Among the more notable - soft cheeses (like feta and queso), deli meat, sushi, many artificial sweeteners, fish, virtually every over-the-counter drug that actually works, and much, much more. Oh, you also aren’t supposed to raise your core temperature above a certain point, so depending on who makes the recommendation, you may be told not to take hot showers while pregnant. Jacuzzis and hot tubs are right out.
5. Absolutely everything is a sign that your baby is in dire trouble. This paranoia, for lack of a better term, is particularly prevalent in the first trimester. Every bit of food must be examined, every product analyzed, and every action carefully considered for even the most hair-brained, Mouse Trap(TM) -esque scenario under which it could cause harm to your child. (Personal note: my favorite instance of this was my wife’s first trimester fixation on, and fear of nachos. Because of the soft cheese rule, these were deemed off limits. A midwife told her to go have some anyway, which she did, promptly determining she had caused irreparable harm to our child. Really, she felt guilty for days. That is, until she called Monterrey’s and found out their “queso” was melted white American - a cheese of dubious quality but which is perfectly safe to pregnant women and the unborn.) Stomach twinges, lack of stomach twinges, gas, lack of gas, the cancellation of your favorite program by Fox - all of these things will throw you into a panic about what is happening to your baby. In the vast majority of cases, the answer is “nothing that shouldn’t be happening.” This is just an uncomfortable process.
6. Alcohol-free alcohol is absolute crap. There is a niche market for pregnant women in the alcohol industry, for those who miss the taste of beer or wine, or want to fit in at parties where other people are imbibing, or, in my wife’s case, want to prolong the illusion that you are not pregnant in order to make “the big reveal” more compelling (hint: hide the O’Doul’s label behind a coozie). There are an impressive number of alcohol-free, or close to alcohol free beers, and an increasing number of “pregnant safe” wines, such as those sold under the Fre label. I’ve even been told that some of the non-alcoholic beers available to servicemen and women at PXs nationwide are actually pretty good. But the non-alcoholic products we’ve tried are just terrible. Far from satisfying a craving for a particular taste, they are just as likely to piss you off.
7. Your bellybutton is about to flip out. Not really a big deal, but kind of disconcerting. As your baby grows, your sexy little innie will slowly transform into a strangely distorted pocket for baby to kick. It may or may not go full blown outie, but depending on where your baby rests and how much pressure is put on that spot, you’ll be seeing more of your bellybutton than you ever have before.
If you were an outie to start with, you may get a pass on this.
8. Online pregnancy forums are your frenemy. Pregnancy is kind of terrifying for a woman - there’s a lot that can go wrong (all of it fairly unlikely, but possible) and many women put a lot of pressure on themselves because of the feeling that anything that goes wrong is their fault (which in most cases - aside from alcoholics and drug-users - is not true). It is therefore pretty natural to seek out the advice and counsel of women who have gone before and those who are in the same boat. In the absence of a strong support network of mothers and soon-to-be-mothers, internet forums fill the void for a multitude of women. While the information on these forums is sometimes accurate and helpful, a lot of the stories shared on these sites are of the “worst-case-scenario” variety, making these terrible and terrifying situations appear more common than they actually are. It’s the same principle as a customer service complaint - you are far more likely to tell people about a BAD experience than you are about a standard, or even an extraordinary experience. Moreover, some people who utilize pregnancy forums intentionally post bad information or inflammatory stories. They are, in internet parlance, trolls. Take these forums with a big grain of salt if you use them at all.
9. Your baby doesn’t have to be very strong to hurt you from the inside of your body. This is less about a lack of warning than it is about a lack of clarity in the degree and type of discomfort that will be experienced in pregnancy. Ligaments stretch, muscles separate, hips spread, and organs get rabbit punched. Even when the kid is being inactive, his or her head or feet can rest heavily on all kinds of things not designed as bedding. Unfortunately, delivery is not really the end of the pain your baby will cause you. We have it on good authority that a few days after delivery, when your milk arrives (I assume by Fedex - editor) you will want to die. Hooray! We needed something more to look forward to!
10. None of that crap matters. Well, yeah, it matters - just not in the long-term. You get a baby out of it. Which is awesome. Also, the discomfort and indignities of raising a child and worrying about them night and day for the rest of your natural life will take a much bigger toll on you than nine months of extra weight and hormones. So enjoy your pregnancy!
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