Training Babies (n.)

Not to be confused with training (v.) babies, since this is very difficult to accomplish, especially if you are trying to train them to do more than cry, poo, or eat. Training (v.) babies to operate heavy machinery, clean dishes, and weed gardens, for example, will likely lead to a lot of frustration, and a burnt out clutch or two.

No, we are discussing training babies (n.). Much like training wheels on a bike, training babies (n.) are very helpful for someone who wants to get the feel for parenting without knocking their teeth out by face-planting on asphalt at 30 mph.

I might be taking the metaphor too far...

Anyway, training babies (n.) are simply those infants you have access to, preferably for short durations, who can provide you with some real baby care experience: changing diapers, bottle feeding, comforting criers and teethers, distracting the destruction prone... the usual. Ideally, training babies (n.) will go back to their mommy and daddy without giving you the ultimate in parenting experiences - the sleepless night. See my previous post and the link to the talented Mr. Samuel L. Jackson reading a story for more on that subject.

I have been fortunate to have access to a few training babies in the last several months. Babies of friends, babies at the church nursery, babies snatched off the street, Auxiliary Dog in a diaper and onesie - you know, the usual. Here are a few things I have learned.

1. Spinning a baby around after a feeding and handing it back to the parents, while funny, is not really good for the baby. Or the parent. And what goes around comes around.

2. In a large enough cross-section of babies, there will always be one who is terrified by your mere presence. (This may only apply to males who haven’t shaved in a few days.)

3. In a large enough cross-section of babies, there will always be one who finds the outlet without the safety cover, the cabinet without the child-lock, and the lever that opens the diaper pail.

4. Babies love silly dances. They love them even more when they go on for hours. Don’t try. It’s like trying to wear out a retriever with a game of fetch.

5. Whatever you do to comfort a crying baby will most likely be the exact wrong thing.

6. With the exception of terrified child (see no. 2 above) most babies are fascinated by facial hair. And noses. And want to taste both.

7. The concept of putting a baby down for a nap is a joke perpetrated on us by our own parents and parents who have gone before us. They won’t go down. Not even with tasers.

8. Baby smell is up there with fresh cut grass, sawdust, and baking apple pie as a smell that confirms a benevolent creator who is infinitely creative, and really thought of everything.

9. The smell of a baby's diaper confirms that man is fallen, and that true evil does exist in the world.

10. Babies who are otherwise fine will get fussy 30 seconds before their parent or guardian comes back to get them from you, thus confirming your parenting incompetence to your peers.

Any other pointers or thoughts from the reading masses?